Running Away

Do you remember MIRC?
I still remember MIRC, chatting senselessly into Indonesian chat room (or called room back then). Or downloading Dragon Ball wallpapers, then saving it to 3.5" floppy disk. And how many pop up I had to close before I can see the web content. God damn the Internet Explorer.
I was using Yahoo! back then. On a computer with dial up connection. The Net Cafe I used was cost me about IDR 6,000 (maybe equivalent to IDR 20,000 now). For comparison, now Net Cafe only cost IDR 2,000 an hour, with 1Mbps connection speed. And now I'm browsing the internet using my phone or my notebook. With 2 Mbps (or more) connection.

I find it easy for me to lost myself to the wide and wild internet world. Sometimes I spent my day only browsing and browsing, shunning the world, not caring if it was a brilliant, clear day or dark and thunderous rain. I care not if there are peoples out there. I'm going to internet. I was happy.

Or so I though.

Actually I was lonely. And the saddest part is I don't understand that I was lonely. I tried to fix my loneliness by going to internet. I'm like a shopping junky. You see, shopping junky thinking by going shopping and buying things to their heart content, they can make their loneliness go. And maybe it does, for some times. When the excitement wore off, or their money spent, the loneliness back. I'm like that. For sometime I was excited and happy browsing the internet. Reading news, new gadgets, pretty pictures, funny videos, the stuffs. But when the excitement wore off, I'm back being lonely. Then the cycle continuous. Back and forward.

The thing is, I'm not exactly liked people. I find it exhausting to socialize with them. Because I found peoples always have expectations to met, emotions to respond, the rules to obey (or at least to be respected), etc. It's exhausting. So most of time I hold other people at bay, not letting them too close to me, but not to far either. And I find it hard to trust people. I always hold back some part of myself. I just can't let it all go.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I become some kind of user-person. Using people, then discard it when I don't need them. I'm afraid that I grow too dis-attached to other people that I became cold and bitter person. Or maybe I already gone to that path, I don't know. And I'm not sure if I'm care.

I'm not blaming the technology. What I'm saying is, those technology made it easier to run away from peoples, and the REAL world. Before then, I was running to books. That's one reason I loved fantasy novels. Maybe THE reason. And every day, I'm only tried just to getting by. I don't make much efforts to be MORE. As long as I getting by, it's enough. And I believe it going to destroy me.

But it's so easy just not to care. Just so easy just to lay back and let the life running by it self.
No worry about life. No worry about other peoples.

 I'm going numb. And the only excitement I can feel is small in number. And I think it's going smaller and smaller.

I don't know.