Not-oh-so-conveniently-life

Terjadi lagi 'perbincangan hangat' antara ibu dan anak, dipicu oleh hal kecil yang dilontarkan sang ayah. Dan seperti perbincangan sebelumnya, perbincangan kali ini pun berakhir dengan sang ibu melontarkan kekecewaannya kepada sang anak. Well, bukan hal pertama kali dan kemungkinan besar tak akan menjadi kali terakhir. Yupe, that child is me, and that mother is my mum.

Well, sudah biasa (walau tetap saja menyakitkan) saya alami. Tapi kali ini kata-katanya jauh lebih kasar dari pada yang terakhir kali (and that one really made me very sad and depreed too!!!!). Wew, my wound bleed again (hell, and I through hell trying mend that wound last time). What should I do??? Every time my wound closed -not better, but still, not bleeding heavily- they -in this case, my parennts, both my parents- would stab my wound with their oh-not-so-nice comments, or remark.

It would so convenient if I can make myself forget. Or, like Linkin Park's song, run away. But, you know, life-is-oh-not-so-conveniently flown that way. I can't run every time someone or something hurt me. Then what should I do? Closing myself? It would definitely help me numbing the pain -I know, because I've already through that one, closing myself till there's no feeling left, no hurt, no sad, nothing, but it will make you look like a doll, or even worse, a zombie,- make it more bearable to get through. But, its no good.

Oh, I'm so damn tired of this. Capek. Bosan. Saya pikir mereka berubah setelah perang besar saat smp, tapi ternyata sama saja. Ternyata sampai sekarang mereka masih tak bisa (atau tak mau?) menerima saya apa adanya, good or bad. Orang mungkin akan bilang, memang nggak bisa dicoba, membuat mereka mau mengerti dengan keadaan kamu??? As if I never try that!!!! Heaven know how hard I'm trying to persuade my parents to receive me for what I'm, so uncomplete, so unperfect, so.... human. But, it failed.

And heaven also knew, how hard I tried to be as perfect as they want. And heaven forbid me to be one, so they also knew how bitter the pain for me, when I failed (and then give up completely).

What should I do? Is my coldness isn't enough to shield me away from my pain?? I know that some -most- my friend -or people I know anyway- always thinking me as someone so heartless, someone who so selfish he doesn't care what others thinking, so closed, so arrogant, so forgetfull, so ignorant..... Dan saya juga tahu mereka sering membicarakan saya dibelakang... Well, I'm not going to angry, or blame or shriek at them or even worse, ripping their throat, for doing that. Sejujurnya, luka di hati saya sudah terlalu dalam, hingga saya tak bisa membuka diri saya kepada orang lain. Dan insting saya untuk mengurangi luka dan nyeri di hati saya, membuat otak saya -secara tidak sadar- berusaha melupakan hal-hal yang menyakitkan -ilmuwan bilang itu adalah cara otak untuk mencegah trauma psikologi. Masalahnya, neri yang saya alami terlalu banyak, hingga otak saya mungkin mengalami colapse atau apalah istilahnya, sehingga ia menjadi terlalu mudah memutuskan hubungan antar sinapsis, sehingga memori saya sebagus panci bocor. Too much trauma isn't good for your health, trust me.

Oh well, I must go for my pain treatment (God, look like I've became one of that punk junk!). I'm so depressed, it make me crazy. Seriously, I need some serious help here.


ps: for my reader (is any there?? I doub it heee heee heee) who waiting for my piece of junk about setting up 3G modem and Contrib repository in Pardus, please wait, I don't have mood to write it down now! Please be patient, ok??